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Ophelia and Christopher De Serres: (Wo)men Speak Out by Eileen Nicol Photo by Ingrid Pape-Sheldon

We all know people who seem to experience more than their fair share of hardship. Many of them struggle through trauma, suffering and pain to not only survive, but thrive. And others go on to become inspiring healers or leaders. Ophelia and Christopher De Serres, cofounders of (Wo)men Speak Out, are two shining examples.

If I had to choose one word to describe this energetic young couple, it would be “open.” Both survivors of childhood sexual abuse, or CSA, they’ve created a nonprofit organization dedicated to eradicating rape, sexual assault and gender violence. Foremost in their mission is education and, to that end, both of them speak frankly about what they’ve been through and what they face as survivors. “Abuse is based on silence, it’s based on shame, it’s based on fear,” says Ophelia. “It is scary to come forward and say ‘look at all my wounds.’ But by doing that you have all these people coming out of the woodwork saying ‘I relate to that.’ It gets people changing and asking for help and healing.”

Ophelia, a Canadian and a self-described “flower child at heart,” is a born advocate. In first grade she was collecting for Greenpeace. She had been physically and sexually abused as a child, but had suppressed the memory of the sexual abuse until she was 18 years old, when she was “in a loving relationship and was safe.” Part of her healing journey entailed a desire to “meet more people like myself who were striving and going through a lot of pain.” While living in Toronto she studied advocacy for assaulted women and children, and served as director of the Angela Shelton Foundation. “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes,” the International Men’s March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault and Gender Violence, had never been to Canada until Ophelia brought it there to benefit “Ophelia’s Love,” an organization she had formed to educate the public about sexual abuse. So it was only natural that when she posted a page on a “socially conscious” dating Web site, pictures of her and her friends carrying signs were featured prominently.

Enter Seattleite Christopher De Serres. Having met online through the dating Web site, Chris and Ophelia corresponded via e-mail for more than a year before they met in person. “She was the first person I came out to,” says Chris. “I knew her background so it just came up.”

Ophelia chimes in, “When he came out to me, it wasn’t very long after we started corresponding. I don’t think he thought he’d ever meet me.” In the early stages of their correspondence they were both dating other people, but when that changed they asked themselves the inevitable question, “Why aren’t we dating each other?” One Toronto-to-Seattle shared plane fare later, they met in person at SeaTac airport. “I just knew,” says Ophelia. Chris agrees, flashing a sweet newlywed smile as he tells me the exact duration of their marriage: one year and three months.

Having coffee with this attractive, loving couple, it is jarring to bring the conversation back to what they are trying to eradicate. The statistics are mind-boggling. According to a 1998 study by the Centers for Disease Control, one in four females is sexually abused before the age of 16. For males, the number is one in six. (The study defines sexual abuse as having occurred if: “An adult or person at least five years older ever touched or fondled you in a sexual way, and/or had you touch their body in a sexual way, and/or attempted oral, anal or vaginal intercourse with you and/or actually had oral, anal or vaginal intercourse with you.”) Given the stigma attached to abuse and the consequent fear of reporting it, the numbers could be much higher.

While there are several great organizations dedicated to helping CSA victims of both genders, Chris explains that “everything seems to be focused on one or the other.” With (Wo)men Speak Out, Chris and Ophelia hope to change that. “From a community perspective, there are a lot of men that are hurting; a lot of women that are hurting. What’s the solution to bringing them together? It’s outreach. It’s education. It’s talking about it,” says Ophelia. She notes that during her earlier years running “Ophelia’s Love” in Canada, many women, both friends and strangers, came out to her, but men did not. That changed when she and Chris started WSO. “So many of our circle came out because they learned about Chris. They needed to see a face, because there are not a lot of faces out there of male survivors.”

To that end, Ophelia and Chris do radio, TV, video and speaking engagements centered around furthering awareness of the problem and ways to prevent it. Three of their talks are geared to college students, and they especially enjoy giving the talk titled “Inside Out,” where they both speak, analyzing sexual abuse from multiple perspectives. Ophelia’s talk geared toward college females deals with the ways our culture attacks our self-image and how we can combat it. Sharing her experience of abuse, addiction and healing provides a context for discussion about these hot-button issues with girls who are on the front lines. Whether we like it or not, gender violence is a community problem, not isolated to victims and perpetrators. Talking to college and even high school kids about the warning signs of abuse and about their own boundaries can be a way to stop the cycle of abuse.

But what about those to whom the damage has already been done? Do you need to “come out” to heal from childhood sexual abuse? Ophelia thinks it depends on what you define as coming out. “People like me are okay on the soapbox; I think that that’s who I am and who I’m supposed to be and I love it.” But she acknowledges that everyone has to find his or her own healthy way to deal with the fallout from abuse, which in her own case resulted in dissociative identity disorders, addictions and self-harming. For some, that way might be private journaling, or an anonymous submission to the Minizine, an online quarterly zine that Chris edits. “I think it depends on the person, whatever they’re satisfied with,” he says. “I do feel it’s cleansing to be able to confront your abuser. Or, at the very least, have some type of ritual.” “It’s really about steps,” continues Ophelia. “Seven years ago would I be here with you? No! It took a lot of little steps and big steps, steps back and steps forward. I tell people, ‘You’re in control now. Even when you don’t feel like you are. There’s always a healthier way.’”

Not surprisingly for people who met online, Ophelia and Chris are excited about the ways the Internet can reach people who may not be ready to engage in person. In addition to the Minizine, the WSO Web site includes links to videos that share a little of Chris and Ophelia’s stories, with the hope that survivors will realize they are not alone. Chris thinks that is particularly important for male survivors. “Men have the additional hurdles of getting over the stigma, being macho, the criticism of their peers, because admitting this vulnerability is not very manly,” he says.

Chris, Ophelia and WSO’s board of directors are eager to promote more events and work closely with other nonprofits to shine a healing light on this tragic issue. WSO was recently granted nonprofit status, and actively seeks volunteers and funding. In the meantime, WSO’s cofounders face their day-to-day challenges together. They help each other maintain healthy boundaries and healthy habits. To lure Ophelia away from the computer, Chris introduced her to rock climbing. “It’s amazing once you get up off the ground a little bit and your life’s a little bit in danger how everything just kind of like wipes out of your system,” says Chris. “He’s always been the one who says you can do anything,” Ophelia adds with a fond smile.
It’s clear this couple has found their own safe, supportive place with each other. WSO is their way of expanding this circle of safety to include and educate the entire community.

For more information, visit www.womenspeakout.org.

Eileen Nicol is a frequent contributor to Seattle Woman.

©2008 Caliope Publishing Company