subscribe | advertise | about | contact | home

Overcoming Intimidation by Tracy A. Corley

Every day, we run into challenges. Sometimes these challenges bring forth a flow of negativity, causing us to doubt ourselves. When this doubt creeps in, we are faced with intimidation.

The challenges we face every day are common ones — we’re not getting the support we need from a loved one. Our boss is breathing down our neck about an impossible deadline. We’re afraid to tell our clients about a rate increase. Or we are terrified at the thought of giving a presentation in front of a group of people. In each of these instances, we might feel intimidation. But are these situations really the source of the intimidation?

Intimidation is a state of mind that you create. Intimidation is nothing more than doubt in yourself and your abilities. It’s your inner drama queen projecting the worst when you should be reaching for your best to make it through the challenge. A bully or a presentation cannot cause you to doubt yourself. Doubt is created in your mind. You choose how to react to the bully or the prospective presentation. If you choose a path that includes timidity and fear, you have chosen doubt and intimidation.

So how do you overcome intimidation? What can you do to remove the doubt that you have in yourself and your abilities when your boss is breathing down your neck or you’re on stage in front of 500 people?

First, you have to know how to kill intimidation. To destroy the doubt, you must have faith. If you have faith in yourself and your abilities, the result is confidence. When you have confidence, you can confront all challenges in meaningful, constructive ways.

This is where the difference between being cocky and being confident comes in. It is perfectly acceptable to feel good about yourself. Women don’t hear that often enough. We are bombarded with images of women in skinny jeans with flawless skin giving up everything for the people around them. If I’m strutting around town in my fat pants with a pimple or two as I head to the spa, am I any less of an author, business leader, change agent, entrepreneur or friend? Of course not.

To overcome intimidation, you must possess enough faith in yourself to speak confidently about who you are and what you have to offer the world, even if you are sporting some noticeable cosmetic flaws. Yes, it’s distracting and uncomfortable, but you can get past that.

Just as it is uncomfortable and distracting when a client gets angry that the price of your services are increasing, or when a loved one is angry that you have set aside some personal time. If you are confident, you can share your preferences without being overbearing, self-centered, or apathetic to the needs of others. You can be strong when your actions and preferences move your career, your life and the lives of others forward in a positive direction. If you’re tired and grumpy, how much of a companion will you really be to a loved one? If your business is losing money or unable to reach its goals, how useful are your super-low rates for being able to serve your clients?

Now that we’re clear that intimidation is merely doubt in yourself and that you can knock it out with confidence, what can you do to build faith in yourself and your abilities?

STEP 1: GET RID OF NEGATIVE INFLUENCES

Confidence building starts with identifying and neutralizing the negative influences in your life. Negative influences can be people, things or situations. Do you have a brother who is jealous of your success and says negative things to bring you down? Is there a plant dying in the corner of your office?

Getting rid of negative influences like these is critical to building your confidence. Though things cannot technically “intimidate” you without your allowing yourself to feel fear and timidity, it’s a tough job to constantly be on the defensive. Negative influences sap your energy and your confidence as you repeatedly have to pep yourself up to keep doubt and fear from creeping in. You don’t have to put up with this.

To flourish, you should be surrounded by things, people and situations that encourage your success. It’s amazing the number of leaders who have told me stories about how often they purge their contact lists of toxic relationships. With my history as an architectural designer, I know how much a well-designed and organized space can make you feel joyful and productive every day. If you hate going to bars, stop hanging out in them! It’s your job to stop mentioning your successes to your brother, and to either fertilize that plant or throw it out.

What people, things and situations are dragging you down and destroying your confidence? What can you do to either correct the issue or distance yourself from it? Keep in mind that you cannot change the action or situations of other people. Focus on things that you can do on your own to support building your own confidence.

STEP 2: SILENCE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Even with all the external things that can bring us down, sometimes our internal drama queens take over without negative influences. You might wake up in a foul mood and start telling yourself a string of terrible things. The doubts begin to snowball, burying your confidence under a mountain of faith-killing phrases: “I’m not good enough.” “I’m not educated enough.” “Our business is too small to compete in this marketplace.” The biggest negative thought out there is “I’m a fraud, and everyone is going to find out!” Come on, get real! First, you’re not a fraud. Second, no one is perfect. That’s a myth that comes from airbrushed magazine photographs and antidepressants. When we learn to shamelessly promote ourselves, we must act as our own cheerleaders.

Acting as your own cheerleader to silence your negative thoughts allows you to focus on improving your internal dialogue. As your own best advocate, it is your job to recognize when your internal drama queen spirals out of control and needs a gentle, yet firm reality check from your cheerleader. Your cheerleader will be equipped with silencing thoughts to counter any doubt builders with confident phrases. If you keep saying, “We’re too small to compete in this marketplace,” your silencing thought might be “We’re competitive because we’re small, making us nimble and flexible enough to meet our clients’ diverse needs.” If your drama queen is screaming, “Who do you think you are asking for a raise?” tell her that you are a talented, confident contributor to your team who deserves to be appropriately compensated for your skills and experience.

What are the negative thoughts you’re constantly telling yourself? What silencing thoughts can you use to shut up your drama queen on each point before your doubt snowballs out of control?

Once you have recognized negative influences and negative thoughts, you are ready to overcome intimidation. By changing your environment to encourage successful promotions, and changing your thoughts to build confidence, overcoming intimidation will become easier each time you are faced with doubt or fear. You are that much closer to truly living your brand and being completely shameless in pursuing your goals once intimidation is out of the picture.

Seattle-based change agent, serial entrepreneur, speaker and writer Tracy Corley offers consulting and coaching for individuals and organizations. If you would like more help to overcome intimidation or would like to learn more about building your personal strategy, please visit www.shamelessyou.com.

©2009 Caliope Publishing Company