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Banish Your Inner Critic by Judith C. Tingley

As confident and cool as we might look and would like to feel, Seattle women are generally not that different from women in other parts of the country. Like them, we can fall into the bad habit of putting ourselves down and letting negative self-talk take over our thoughts and feelings. Regardless of the specific content of our negative thoughts, they often boil down to a variation of ”I’m not good enough” or “What’s wrong with me?”

Whether you’re an ordinary everyday worrier or an extreme ruminator, negative self-talk can send you into a funk, escalate anxiety, even immobilize you. You can become your own worst enemy. Lynn Redgrave, the accomplished actress, notes that she was in her sixties before she managed to dump what she calls her ”inner critic and fearmonger.”

In order to let go of negative self-talk, it is essential that you first acknowledge without judgment that yes, you may overthink things as many women tend to do. You also need to accept that negative self-talk generally does not motivate change or improve performance. If it were effective at producing positive change, you wouldn’t still be putting yourself down at age 30, 40, 50 or 60.

Allow yourself to take the risk of changing your thinking habits. Recognize that the worst thing that can happen is that the suggested tactics won’t work for you. If you don’t end up in a better position trying to change, you won’t be in a worse one either.

The best way to start dealing with negative self-talk is to quickly determine whether you have control over a situation that generates negative thinking. For example, you’re dwelling on a recent poor performance review at work, criticizing yourself for being disorganized. In this situation, you have some control and can take action. Find a mentor, use a coach, take a class and set some specific goals for improving your organizational skills. Taking action always works better to solve a problem than simply continuing to listen to negative thinking.

In contrast, there might be situations over which you have no control and negative thinking becomes an obstacle to your well-being. An example would be a good friend who unexpectedly stops responding to your phone calls or e-mails. You ask several times when you see her if something is wrong and she says, “No, nothing.” You spend hours wondering what you did or said that is upsetting to her, but get nowhere and feel terrible. There’s no action you can take at the moment that will solve the problem. At this point, your self-doubt and second-guessing accomplishes nothing but make you feel even worse.

When there’s no action to take to solve a problem, but you’re still pounding yourself with criticism and self-doubt, it’s time to try some other tactics.

Visualize a stop sign blocking the voice of the critic, imagine yourself turning down the volume on the negative thoughts, or feel the inner critic’s words evaporate into space, like steam from boiling water.

Alter a thought from negative to neutral. Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m making this situation even worse. What’s wrong with me?” say instead, “I’m handling the situation. It’s OK.”
Use the robotic repetition of a comforting and realistic thought to drown out the voice of self-criticism: “I will be fine. I’m doing OK” or “ I can do this. Yes, I can.”

Substitute good, neutral instructions for self-criticism to diminish your internal critic and develop your internal supporter. For example, replace “I’m such a wimp. Why didn’t I say no to him?” with supportive instructional self-talk such as, “I’ll go back and tell him that I’m sorry but I realized that I can’t work late on Thursday after all. I can and will do that.”

Notice the voice in your head, without judgment or reaction. If you hear instructional self-talk that offers solutions to problems, pay attention and take action. If it’s simply negative self-talk, say to yourself, “Oh, the critic is talking” rather than “What a jerk. I’m doing it again. When am I going to stop dumping on myself all the time?” Remind yourself that negative self-talk that doesn’t produce solutions to problems can be discarded with no loss or harm. Move on to shifting your attention away from the internal negative thinking to the external moment and action.

Shift your attention from self-doubt and self-criticism to the here and now and to an external activity. When you are walking or talking, writing or reading, staring out the window, cooking or caretaking and your negative voice chimes in, purposefully and mentally feel yourself shift attention to focus more intently on your activity, just as you might move a book from a bookcase to a table and leave it there. When the voice of the critic rises again, demanding attention, reallocate attention back to the moment. Let the critic voice fade from inattention, and diminish as before. Practice this process at every opportunity.

Remember that self-criticism should only be used briefly as a springboard for solving problems. By purposefully not paying attention to ongoing criticism you can decrease its negative influence on your life. This process of detaching yourself from inner criticism can lead to better coping skills and make room for you to feel better and more confident about yourself.

Find the approaches or techniques that seem to fit for you; start using them diligently and determinedly to deflate inner negative self-talk and reduce stress. You’re too smart to spend any more time and energy listening to that prattling inner critic. Send her packing in 2010.

Judith C. Tingley, Ph.D., is a retired psychologist and author of four books about gender, influence and workplace communication. She is currently working on a book about how to eliminate self-critical thinking.

©Copyright 2010, Caliope Publishing Company