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The Awakening: Freeing Up Your Exotic Side by Eileen Nicol

Think back to a specific night in your life — maybe it was in college or high school — when you danced with true abandon. Perhaps the song was silly (I’ll date myself and mention “Brick House” by the Commodores), but it was so loud your bones rattled and it felt deliciously like the music was dancing you. You could not not move, and let’s face it, you were hot. Surrounded on the dance floor by a throng of sweating bodies, the exuberance you felt was at once very broad and intensely private. If the universe were an outlet, you were plugged in.
What happened to that feeling?

Is it still there, dormant under a bundle of deadlines and diapers? When Eros comes knocking at your door, do you tell him to take a number? If so, you’re not alone, says Melissa Gayle West, an author and counselor who helps women reignite their spark. As we grow up, we construct a safe circle around certain habits, thoughts and activities. “We define the parameters of that circle and say that’s what we live inside and that’s what’s normal — however we define normal,” she says. But for many women, that protective circle starts to feel empty. “My experience is what’s outside that circle is their own pleasure or joy.”

Melissa points out that as women, we are conditioned both biochemically and culturally to put others’ needs before our own. So when she asks women to make a list of what gives them pleasure, she says “it takes some time for women to be able to write down what they are actually drawn towards, rather than what they think they should be drawn towards.”

Stepping outside that circle can be scary. Melissa says she tells women that anxiety is often a sign that we’re doing exactly the right thing. In addition, drawing a strict line between pleasure, sensuality and sexuality is problematic. I once saw this quip on a refrigerator magnet: “Exotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.” There is no one-size-fits-all definition of the erotic, but perhaps we can all afford to broaden our horizons a bit — to stare that chicken right in the eye. “We have very narrow definitions of what pleasure is, and pleasure really is that which helps us feel authentically juicy and alive,” says Melissa. “It wakes us up.”

Ready to explore further? Listen to your body as you read through this compendium of activities that might kindle your exotic fire.

OUTSIDE IN

Consider sex toys. These days you don’t have to duck into some skanky shop frequented by leering men clutching pints of whiskey in paper bags to see what’s available. We have a pioneer in women-friendly sex shops right here in Seattle, on Capitol Hill. Babeland was founded in 1993 by Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning, and has since expanded to New York City and Los Angeles. Their mission is to promote and celebrate sexual vitality by providing an honest, open and fun environment.

While they originally opened to provide a sleaze-free sex toy outlet for women, they have found that many men also enjoy shopping in a fun, relaxed, sex-positive atmosphere. Claire and Rachel co-wrote Sex Toys 101, a full-color guide to gear for satisfying sex. You can order it at www.babeland.com, and even check out their products from the privacy of your own Web browser.

Other Seattle sex toy stores are also breaking stereotypes and reaching out to women. Wild at Heart in Ballard is woman-owned, and the storefront of the Love Zone in Crown Hill has tasteful vintage movie posters in the window to take the stigma away from visiting the store.

What if you want to share the fun with your girlfriends? Passion Parties are designed to inform and educate women through tasteful in-home presentations, giving women the opportunity to experience sensual products specifically created to enhance romantic relationships. Viktoria Miller has been a Passion Party consultant for almost five years, and she loves her job. “I enjoy the people that I meet,” she says. “There are many of my customers and my hostesses that I’m actually friends with now.”

What happens at a Passion Party? Basically, you and your friends get to hang out at someone’s house, have a snack and a drink or two, and experience the products. “There’s a lot of giggling involved,” admits Viktoria. “They can use the lotions so they can see what they smell like and they can taste the edible products, and they can turn the toys on and see how they work.” But when it comes time to place an order, Viktoria and her clients retire to a private room, one-on-one. “They get to ask the consultant their personal questions, then have their order [taken] in a confidential atmosphere,” explains Viktoria. “So no one knows what each other orders, but you still get to see all the products with your girlfriends and enjoy some good laughs.”

The Internet can be a tool to explore our erotic selves, but no one wants to be bombarded by unexpected and potentially disturbing material. Never fear, “Jane” is here! Jane’s Guide (janesguide.com) has been reviewing adult-oriented Web sites and books since 1997. Their tagline puts it succinctly: “We waste our time so you don’t have to.” It’s a fun and relatively non-threatening way to see what’s out there without seeing everything that’s out there. At Jane’s Guide, you can read about a site, video or book that features spanking, for example, and decide if you want to go there.

If taking your laptop to bed with you seems a little cold, consider the old- fashioned book. Humans have been writing about sex since the Kama Sutra, and words on paper can exercise your erotic imagination like nothing else. But here’s another area where one woman’s turn-on is another gal’s boring drag. Try a short story collection, a kind of Whitman’s Sampler of erotica. Consider Best Women’s Erotica 2008, edited by Violet Blue, or 100 Percent Erotica, by Suzie Van Aartman, both for under $20. Or tuck your sweetie in with a spiced-up fairy tale from Enchanted: Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women, by Nancy Madore.

INSIDE OUT

Movement is another way women have been reconnecting with their bodies and with each other for centuries. For Melissa West, the New Orleans culture of her childhood included dancing in the streets, and this legacy of deep, uninhibited celebration and mourning inspires her to counter the inability to feel pleasure that she feels pervades the larger American culture.

Deb Schnipke, owner of Groovy Dancer, agrees that movement and community are essential to getting in touch with who we are as women. Among her racier studio offerings are pole dancing classes, as well as striptease and lap dancing. In the interests of journalistic integrity, I wrestled my inner prude into submission and joined Deb one Sunday afternoon for the Striptease/Lap Dancing workshop. With thoughts of my graying hair and visions of scandalized nuns from my childhood rattling around in my personal baggage, I was a little surprised outside the studio by the enthusiastic whoops I heard inside as the pole dancing workshop ended. Maybe this would be fun after all.

And it was. The eight of us varied in age, size and shape, and Deb didn’t give us time to wallow in nervousness. We had followed instructions and brought bras and panties that fit over T-shirt and leggings, and pants or skirts and button-front shirts over that. Sexy music, low lights, an undulating assistant up front, and before we knew it, we too were learning a strip routine specially designed for home use. Turns out the ghost of Sister Gertrude is no match for a leopard skin bra, even worn over a T-shirt.

“I think across the board everyone feels sexy doing it in class,” Deb says, “then they realize that whatever issues they have about their own body — and we all have them — they realize that those things don’t matter.” She’s right: My classmates were smiling at themselves in the mirror, and at each other. How can you not, when the poses you are striking include “Greet the Girls,” “Hello Kitty,” and “Check me out?” We made each other laugh, too. When Deb warned that your man might just grab you in the middle of the lap dance, a classmate commented slyly, “Not if he’s handcuffed!”

Why were we there? Perhaps each of us had a different answer. For Chris Andreshak, 38, it was a way to be “in the question of what is my feminine side,” she said. “This class was just another possibility of an answer to that. Going to a class where I’d be breaking all the boundaries of what’s acceptable — I tell you, it threw my Catholic father into a tizzy!” she laughed. “It was wonderful, it was fabulous, I’d do it again and I probably will!”

Deb encouraged us from the start to focus on doing what made us feel good. “It’s not about anyone who might be watching,” she told us. “Rather it’s about turning inward and finding that place of pleasure, both physically and spiritually.” She’s always been into dance and fitness, and when pole dancing first came into vogue three years ago, she traveled to Canada to attend a pole dancing party. Soon Deb was teaching her own, and she still offers private parties in addition to her in-studio classes. Pole dancing is popular because women are “having so much fun they don’t realize what a good workout they’re getting,” she says.

Deb enjoys the camaraderie and support that women show each other, and is eager to dispel any misconceptions about her classes. Acknowledging that pole dancing and lap dancing started in gentlemen’s clubs, she says, “What we’re doing is so different from what goes on in there. That’s like saying making love with your husband is the same as what a streetwalker does. It’s so completely different because of the context and the emotions, the feelings and the reason you’re doing it.”

But what if you want to be naughty on stage? Check out the Seattle Academy of Burlesque. Their Web site contrasts the objective of stripping (revealing nudity) with the objective of burlesque — to “call attention to all the moments of revealing, and to tease just shy of nudity. Burlesque also encourages mockery and parody, so tends to be funnier and more lighthearted than stripping.” The Academy of Burlesque offers a smorgasbord of classes and workshops to help you release your inner diva, from tassel twirling workshops (“for all budding Helicopter girls”) to multi-week Burlesque classes that culminate in performances. Want to learn to walk in heels? Learn to bump and grind? Dance with feathers and boas? Learn the seductive art of stocking and glove removal? Get introduced to belly dance or hula? Simply imagining yourself in one of these classes might raise your pulse.

So go ahead. Tease yourself with an exotic party, workshop, video or book. Or simply lock your bathroom door and take a nice long luxurious bath. Step outside the circle of long habit and take some time to discover what truly lights your fire. No one can brave the discomfort that comes with change for you, but there are women out there to share the journey. Who knows? You just might find that sexy girl still there inside, ready to dance.

Eileen Nicol is a frequent contributor to Seattle Woman.

©2009 Caliope Publishing Company