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The New Matchmakers
Social networks bring together singles in a city known for its standoffishness
by Diane Mapes

Singles are gathering at museums, movie houses and bowling alleys, thanks to a cadre of social directors who are changing the rituals of dating in a city known as much for its social awkwardness as its ubiquitous coffee joints.

We’ve all heard it, seen it, lived it. Some of us have even written the book on it – dating today can be as tough and time-consuming as an old pork chop.

Ask around and you’ll hear lots of reasons why. We’re too focused on our careers, too plugged into technology, too selfish, too commitment-phobic, too ill-mannered, too picky, picky, picky. And it probably doesn’t help that we live in a city where half the population would sooner eat their umbrella than speak to a stranger on the street.

Sure, those national studies routinely tout us as a great place to be footloose and fancy-free (Forbes just named the Emerald City #10 in their 2005 list of Best Cities for Singles), but ask anybody in the trenches and they’ll tell you it’s easier to stumble onto a Sasquatch than find someone you click with in standoffish Seattle.

“Seattle is the most unfriendly place I’ve ever been,” says Sherryl, a 43-year-old bachelor gal. “The dates that I have been on were with guys just looking for one-night stands. All the single men I meet are either gay or so non-committal you have to stay away from them.”

“I’ve been in Seattle for eight years and for eight years my dating life has been in a huge slump,” agrees Marcella, a 36-year-old Microsoft single. “My single friends and I are attractive, successful, fun, outgoing, and no one asks us out anywhere. It’s so frustrating!”

Frustrating, yes. Insurmountable, hardly. In a world of 14-hour workdays and flaky suitors, the answer for many singles is to meet as many substantial people as possible – via selective screening on the online dating sites, through trusted friends, family, and coworkers, and by tapping into the latest trend to hit the urban scene: social networks.

Bowling Anyone?

What are social networks? In a nutshell, they’re any kind of group that has a common purpose. Book clubs, knitting groups, churches, bowling leagues, arts and cultural organizations, even online communities such as MySpace or Yahoo could be termed social networks. What do they offer the savvy single? A chance to meet a variety of people under safe and fairly stress-free circumstances.

“Singles bars and online dating can breed a lot of bad behavior because of the anonymity,” says Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “But if you go where people are working together to accomplish something – whether it’s a church, a book reading group, an arts group, or something educational or political – the jerks are winnowed out very quickly.”

While some social networks are geared for specific age groups or gender and others focus on mutual interests like travel, business, pets or sports, the target demographic for many an F2F (trendspeak for face-to-face) is the singles market. Presented as a shiny new concept (and touted as heir apparent to the online dating throne), singles social networks have actually been around for nearly 100 years. As early as 1922, the New York Times announced the formation of several “matrimonial clubs” designed to help singles fight loneliness. Often operated by churches or universities, these clubs offered a safe haven for unmarried men and women to meet and socialize and, as one spokesperson put it, “take matchmaking out of the hands of the devil.” (Those of us who’ve suffered through a few bad Internet dates might argue Satan is trying to once again seize control.)

But whether these groups are called dating bureaus, lonely hearts clubs, rap groups, or Friendster.com, they’ve proved an effective means for singles to meet by offering crucial third-party assistance. And now, thanks to a bumper crop of new social circles, Seattle singles have plenty of parties to choose from.

Mix and Match

Space City Mixer, the grande dame of Seattle’s social clubs, has been going strong since 1999, according to founder Andrea Martin. Geared for “smart and savvy professionals in their 20s, 30s and 40s,” they boast 10,000 members and at least 15 social events a month; everything from pub mixers to flirting classes to evenings at the theater. Fees are per-event only and there is no prescreening; all are welcome, including married, separated, engaged, single, or any combination thereof.

Despite the all-inclusive nature of her organization, Martin believes Space City Mixer and groups of its ilk do provide a crucial service to singles.

“Social networks allow people to connect with each other on their interests and that’s huge – that’s how you find people,” she says. “At Space City Mixer, we do a little bit of everything – volunteer projects, parties, wine tastings, travel to foreign countries – we’re the variety pack. The events are already planned, it’s all very easy. You can just show up, get a name tag, and a host will introduce you and make you feel welcome. There’s no pressure.”

While Martin does offer some singles-specific events, such as Lock and Key parties (women get locks, men get keys, and everybody goes around looking for a “fit”), she feels her organization is geared more for those trying to get back into a social loop – which can lead to new connections, love and otherwise.

“When you divorce, you may lose friends or you may not want to see them anymore,” she says. “This can be a great way to ease back into a social scene without going full-bore into Internet dating. It doesn’t have to be all about romance, you can just show up for a walk or dinner out on the town. We have many events that are just for women – brunches, self-defense training, Strip Tease 101. Our events aren’t just about finding a mate, you can find great gal pals, too.”

New In Town?

For some people, particularly those new to Seattle, it can be tough finding places where you feel comfortable and at home. Which is why Tamika Hebert, a 32-year-old Microsoft program manager, recently formed Seattle Noire, a brand-new social network geared toward urban black professionals and others.

“When I first moved here from Houston, I didn’t know anybody,” she says. “I had one friend and we basically started going out to eat. It started out with four people and then eventually, the idea caught on and more people wanted to join us. So first it was four, then six, then in about three-weeks time, it was like 20 people. I realized it was a great format to meet people and learn about the city and what it has to offer.”

So far, Hebert’s operation is strictly grassroots (there’s no Web site nor any kind of membership fee) and she’s only held a handful of events: cocktail hours, dinners, bowling, and karaoke. But the response, she says, has been very positive, particularly for those new to the city.

“The majority of the people who attend the events are all transients,” she says. “They’ve all moved here within a year or so. Seattle has this reputation for being unfriendly, so it helps them get out and meet people – friends or romantic partners or business interests or whatever.”

Alma Rubenstein, who conducts events and classes with several local networks through her full-service singles agency The Professional Dater, thinks the key to the various organizations’ success is their nebulous nature.

“Since they call it networking, people don’t feel there’s as much stigma attached,” she says. “It’s giving them permission to go. And I feel like it’s helping. Truly, it’s a good time to be single, there’s so much out there.”

Wait, There’s More...

But that’s hardly the extent of Seattle’s offerings; there are many more social outlets, each with its own particular niche to fill. Elements of Soul touts itself as the Northwest’s premier social and networking club for people of color. Jet City Social offers “fun events for active singles,” including speed dating for gays and straights and recreational outings such as Bike n’ Brew and Ski ‘n Board socials. Dating by Referral, as you might guess, is a social network for singles who come with references. And spartay, well, they just like to have fun.

“Spartay is about parties,” says Kathleen Neering, the 33-year-old Microsoft single who came up with the concept for her invitation-only singles parties. “It’s got a fun, light attitude about it. It’s not some kind of dating service, something to “help” singles. That implies they need help and the groups we’re pulling in are sophisticated, savvy, happy, successful people. It’s not about matchmaking or online profiles or one-on-one blind dates. It’s about getting a huge group of people together in a bar where you can figure out easily if there’s chemistry or not.”

As with Seattle Noire, spartay began as a brainstorm and quickly blossomed into something else. Thanks to the popularity of her parties, Neering is busily developing several new events: sophspartay for singles 35-55, spartay in the trees for tall singles, and Jspartay, for Jewish singles.

Success Stories

Of course, the burning question for many is, do these social networks work? Are singles actually meeting people of substance? Or just the same old tiresome players? According to organizers, there are plenty of sparks.

“I’ve probably received two dozen notes from people who have gone on fabulous dates with the people they’ve met at these parties,” says Neering. “It’s fun seeing e-vites where someone has declined because they now have a boyfriend.”

Andrea Martin has also seen results. “I know of 10 marriages that have resulted from Space City Mixer,” says Martin.

Samantha MacIntosh, the 33-year-old real estate agent who started Dating by Referral, is also pleased with the happy mingling that has resulted from the light bulb that went off in her head a little more than a year ago.

“In real estate, the basic idea is that good people know good people,” she says. “I was talking to a girlfriend one day and saying how I wish I could date the same way I do my business. I thought it would be cool to meet dates the same way.”

MacIntosh, who had just come out of a long-term relationship, started hosting parties in bars for her single friends, their single friends and those friends’ single friends. Soon, a social network was born, out of which have come a handful of relationships, at least one marriage, and a surprise for her.

“I met a woman at my party in April and we hit it off and ended up becoming friends,” says MacIntosh. “Then one night, we went out dancing with other friends and that’s how I met my new boyfriend.”

Diane Mapes is a freelance writer living in Seattle. Her book, How to Date in a Postdating World, published by Sasquatch Books, will be out this June.

©2006 Caliope Publishing Company